What You Can Learn From President Obama’s Mother in Law: by Dr. Rosemary

Now that Michelle Obama’s mother is living in the White House, will the cruel jokes and snide remarks about mothers in law finally stop? Will Marian Robinson, as first mother in law, be able to pave the way for acceptance, even respect, for this much maligned branch of the family tree? Only time, and the nightly comedians, will tell.

If you have a new son in law yourself, you can use Mrs. Robinson and other successful in laws as your guides. Let them teach you how to adjust to your new role. It’s not easy. Once you’ve made the final payment for your daughter’s dream wedding, you may find yourself relegated to the back burner.

Instead of you, your daughter’s new husband is now the one who shares her confidences. After spending the past couple of decades as an active and involved mom, do you now feel like a Lame Duck? Even more important, how can you learn to relate to the guy who is now the center of your daughter’s universe? Here are a few tips to get you started with your own son in law:

1. Move slowly into the role of mother in law, remembering that your daughter’s spouse arrives with his own issues, unique temperament and family rituals. Learn more about him and his family rather than expecting him to blend into yours. Remember that family loyalty goes both ways.

2. Imagine the situation from your son in law’s perspective. Recognize that he wants to build and strengthen his new family unit. Doris is trying to let go of her need to continue such a tight relationship with her daughter. “I know she is bonding with her husband, so I don’t snoop or ask too many questions. As an only child I don’t like to go halves with anything, so it’s hard for me to share my precious daughter. But I know that her husband has to be the focus for her now.”

3. Respect your daughter’s choice and learn to love her life partner. By focusing on how happy your daughter is and on your son in law’s positive qualities, you’ll be building on the mutual good feelings. This can serve as an emotional savings account you can draw on later when other situations lead to tension between you.

4. Hold back on your opinions, advice and constructive criticism, at least until there is more trust in the relationship. This can be a challenge, as Nancy found: “I’m very careful about what I say, so I don’t think my son in law knows that I’m holding back. We get along fine on the surface but I hope that some day we can deal with deeper issues.”

5. Avoid hot button issues like finances, religious observances, and work/home responsibilities. By taking sides, you make it harder for the newlyweds to sort out these issues for themselves. When you have expectations that are not shared by them, recognize that now it’s their turn to make this type of decision.

6. Be available to help when asked but don’t intrude. As the new couple settles into their routine and lifestyle, they may ask for your help or support. Pitch in and be responsive to their needs when you can, but don’t overstep the boundaries.

7. Find support from your spouse and friends. When you’re frustrated, share with others who will understand what you’re going through and use them as a sounding board. When all else fails, laugh together as inductees in the sisterhood of mothers in law.

These tips can help you build the kind of relationship with your son in law that Marian Robinson has with President Obama. He and Michelle respect her and trust her to help with their children. Embrace your new role of mother in law. You, too, have the power to make this an enriching chapter for everyone in the family.

© 2009, www.HerMentorCenter.com

About the Author: Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomer's family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.

Article Source: ActiveAuthors.com

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Love: Is This Romance Or Is This Friendship? by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

James, in his middle 30s, was ready to meet his life partner, get married and have children. After dating many women, he met Cindy.

"She is really beautiful, although I'm not sure she's my type. But I think she is perfect for me. We have the same interests, the same values, we go to the same church, and we both want children. My friends who meet her think she's dynamite."

"But...?” I could hear hesitation in his voice during our phone counseling session.

"I don't know. There doesn't seem to be a spark, and I don't miss her when I'm not with her. In fact, I rarely think about her when I'm not with her. And our conversation doesn't seem to flow easily. We run out of things to talk about. Maybe the spark will grow. Does that ever happen?"

"Why not spend a little more time with her and see how you feel?"

It became apparent within a few months that the spark was not going to grow and the conversation was not going to flow. James still did not look forward to seeing Cindy.

"James, it doesn't seem that this relationship is going to become what you want it to be. Perhaps it's time to move on."

But James was afraid of ending up alone, afraid he would not meet anyone as sweet as Cindy. He ended up staying in the relationship with her for two years before finding the courage to leave.

James and Cindy were wonderful friends, but not good life partners. Romance just wasn't there. He loved her, but he never fell in love with her.

Abigail found herself in the same position as James, only she had stayed in the relationship with Andrew for 7 years, hoping that romance would grow. She knew at the beginning of the relationship that she was not sexually attracted to Andrew, but he was such a nice guy and he really loved her.

The sad thing is that Abigail really wanted children, but by the time she finally left the relationship, it was very close to being too late to have children.

Why didn't she leave sooner?

"I hate being alone. I don't know that I can be alone, and I'm afraid that I won't find another partner. Besides, we are best friends."

Both James and Abigail could have saved a lot of time if they had understood the difference between friendship and romance.

It is my experience that, if the spark and the flow aren't there at the beginning, they generally won't develop. I won't say never, because I have seen a few relationships where the spark did develop over time, but this is generally not the case. If the spark does not develop within the first six months of the relationship, then it is time to move on - unless a companionship relationship is acceptable to you. But if spark, flow and romance are important to you, then accept that you and your partner have a wonderful friendship but not a romance.

James soon met another woman, Val, with whom he had romance. He was very attracted to her and they could easily talk for hours. But he soon discovered that romance itself is also not enough. Val did not share his spiritual beliefs, his values, or his interests. Her rigid religious beliefs deeply conflicted with his deep spiritual beliefs, and he knew he could not raise children with her beliefs. He realized within the first few months of the relationship that none of this was going to change so he moved on, now open to finding a woman with whom he can have it all.

"Am I too picky?" he asked me.

"No!" Stay solid on what you want and you will find it!

About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome/relationship_help.html, and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

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Myths & Truths about Romance & Marriage: By Garry Jacobs

Myths about Romance & Marriage

>> Marriage makes romance permanent.
>> The intense longing I feel for my partner will become permanent sweet intensity if only we can always be together.
>> Romantic fulfillment is achieved by finding my perfect partner or soul mate.
>> Our relationship will be happy and harmonious if only my partner agrees to follow my advice. >> Most of our problems arise because I and my partner are so different from one another.
>> Our relationship will become harmonious if only my partner agrees to change.
>> Problems in our relationship prove that I have chosen the wrong partner.
>> My partner's attraction to others of the opposite sex proves he/she does not really love me.
>> Unless I react and protest what I find unacceptable, my partner will never change for the better.
>> I have lost the feeling of romance because my partner doesn't keep me happy.

Truths about Romance & Marriage

>> My partner's attention and affection towards me is the measure of my attention and affection towards my partner.
>> Relationships are spoiled when the partners compete and try to dominate one another.
>> A partner's love and goodwill is a most powerful source of protection.
>> Romance doesn't last because partners stop trying to please one another and instead demand to be pleased.
>> Physical, sexual attraction to another is a misleading and unreliable index of love, romance or marital compatibility.
>> The qualities we dislike in our partner always represent corresponding qualities in ourself.
>> The best strategy for successful relationship is to always be positive, never react negatively to your partner.
>> Cheerfulness is the surest and strongest foundation for lasting love and romance.
>> Romance depends on your attitude toward your partner, not on you partner's attributes.
>> The formula for romantic compatibility is complementarity on a bedrock of similarity. Contrast generates the intensity, sameness generates the harmony.

About The Author
Jacobs is an American-born consultant on business management, economic and social development with extensive international experience in USA, Western and Eastern Europe, and India. Jacobs is author of several books on business management and development. He has a BA in psychology from the University of California. The author invites you to visit: http://www.romanceeternal.org/

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God Is Agape Love: by David Nelmes

A beautiful article about the different levels of love, including some great spiritual insights:

Relationships are everything...simply because they are all that exist. Nothing has meaning until you decide how it relates to you or how you relate to it. It is the process of making these associations that will determine the outcome of our experiences in life.

We are creatures of love that have thrust ourselves into what appears to be a world of hate. We once knew there was only one form of love, but now the influence of fear and separation has provided us with the perception that love can exist on several levels. The current levels of love are:

EROS LOVE known as ’erotic love’, is based on strong romantic feelings towards another.

PHILOS LOVE a love based on friendship between two people who share a mutual, ’give and take’ relationship.

AGAPE LOVE unconditional love that is always giving and impossible to take or be a taker. It devotes total commitment to seek your highest best no matter how anyone may respond. This form of love is totally selfless and does not change whether the love given is returned or not. This is the original and only true form of love.

The description of ’Agape Love’ that is accepted by most beliefs as the love that God provides, is identical to how his love is described throughout A Course in Miracles , which is founded upon the primary principle that God’s love for us has never allowed him to even begin to see us differently, regardless of what we may have done or believe we have done. The Course is repeatedly clear how God never takes and only gives, which is how creation works since God creates by extending himself...as he also extended himself into what has come to be known as us, the Son of God.

God never takes...and since we are created in his likeness...with his same method of thinking and being, our true selves (not these ego shrouded human shells) also know this is true. We inherently know that it is never better to take or require that somebody give. Giving is natural and never includes loss of any kind. True giving is like creation in that you do not lose what you give, but you extend that thing and it grows larger as you give it, or share it...like sharing a story or experience.

True giving is rarely experienced on a physical level since we perceive the thing as missing once it is given. On a physical level, you believe you have less after you give or that you have more when you receive. As you can see, this physical world has nothing to do with agape love since this world is based upon taking and having more or upon losing and having less. Agape love is based upon giving through sharing and knowing you already have everything and have nothing to lose. Agape love acknowledges that we are all connected and can only move that thing amongst ourselves, but never outside, so we never lose it. Everything is simply shared.

In a spiritual reality, only thoughts of agape love exist. Nothing else can exist there since everything is in harmony. There is no thought of less or loss or sacrifice since all needs are met before they even exist. This is where the mind of our God exists and it is from here where he teaches us and speaks to us. Every thought or idea that has truly originated from the mind of God, originated from his center of Agape Love.

Since we are no longer centered in agape love, the issue we have while forming relationships is that we tend to severely limit the capacity of the relationship to what we can get from the other or what we think the other wants to take from us. This form of relationship stems from philos love which indicates you share a like mindedness (eg. if you agree with me, I will love you). A philos love relationship is a mutual, give and take relationship which ends the moment one side either does not get what they want or is asked for something they do not wish to give.

Our confusion on the purpose of love relationships is often then applied to how we think God relates to us, where we imagine that God only loves us when we please him, or that God will only walk with us if we acknowledge him, or that God will only extend his hand and carry us back to him in heaven if we agree with what we think he demands from us. In doing this, we have created a philos love relationship with God which is totally at odds with his agape love since agape love only gives and never takes and is void of any necessary condition. Agape love asks for nothing and gives everything....simply because we are the children of agape love.

Having built walls between ourselves and our creator, we have distanced ourselves from sensing God’s love and the world we see around us is a reflection of living without real love. This environment breeds calamity and destruction since that is the result of life based upon fear instead of love. If accepting perfect love can cast out fear, then likewise, accepting fear removes our ability to sense perfect love.

Fortunately, our creator views any problem or tragic moment as an opportunity to reach into our hearts and provide reason for change. No matter what loss appears to have occurred, he is not angry or upset at who we think is at fault because he knows nothing has been lost. Since material things have no eternal value, they do not matter at all to him. In addition, any person you believe has died, is still safe in spirit form, and since God exists spiritually, he does not sense the loss of this being and therefore has no reason to be upset at anyone. His only thought is to help us see that life can be happier... life can be fuller... it is better to be kind... it is better to be loving, and then our time down here will become a focus on preparing ourselves to return to our creator. Regardless of what happens here, He has not and never will lose one of us because we are created eternal spirits, just like him. Jesus proved when he rose again that you can kill the body, but the spirit remains, untouched and unaffected by anything that happens while here in this physical world.

Agape love is seeing the answer and sharing that with whoever is seeing or experiencing the problem.

Agape love is never judgmental and is eternally patient with any thing that must be learned.

Agape love is totally without demands or requirements.

Agape love is total truth in that it does not change, no matter what appears to change around it.

Agape love knows not of time since time does not exist in heaven.

Agape love is unconditional forgiveness for any event because agape love transcends the concept of needing forgiveness in that it knows we are simply misguided and therefore our actions are not held against us in the first place.

Like frightened children running through a dark forest, we act irrationally and do things out of fear and panic. Agape love knows this and seeks only to help us resolve our fears so that we can see clearly once again and return to full communication with our creator.

Nothing physical matters. Nothing can be lost. Nothing can be taken. Nothing needs to be given. In our true form, we know this, but right now we can only recite the words...but we don’t really believe them...and that’s why we are here. We are in a place where we believe we have been removed from agape love and have written books about a god who does not behave as though he is agape love, but this is not so. The closest our reality can be described here is to think of this as a collective dream on a universal scale. We, the Son of God, attempted to perform something separate from our creator and this is not possible, so instead, this action created a place... a dream, where Gods agape love does not seem to exist...and this is a horrific thought and thus our lives have been horrific.

God has sent the Holy Spirit to help awaken us and to help us see that this world is upside down and totally backwards in thinking. This world teaches taking. God teaches giving. This world teaches sacrifice and guilt. God teaches you have nothing to lose so there is nothing to sacrifice and therefore nothing to make others feel guilty about. This world teaches that fear is necessary to survive, but God teaches that love casts out fear and that we will only truly live when we cast out our fear and embrace agape love once again.

Every lesson, teaching or guideline that ever truly came from God, can only originate from the unchangeable spirit of his unconditional love and endless patience, and his truths, or love, can speak of nothing else. We do know the truth when we hear it because God created us in his image, therefore, we too are agape love. Once we learn to really embrace this, we will remember who we really are and then we’ll wake up to see our creator right where he always has been....everywhere...above us, beside us, below us, within us. Everywhere.

About the Author: David Nelmes - David considers it a wonderful blessing that his insight and writings can provide opportunities for those around him to see things from perspectives they had not considered before. He pursues Gods truths and invites you to join him. Web site: http://www.beingwilling.com
Article Source: ActiveAuthors.com

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How to Spice Up Valentines Day For Your Wife: by Tom Kranz

If you have been married for quite some time then you already know that it can be a challenge to give your wife a surprise on Valentines Day. You have already been through the dozens of roses and boxes of chocolates as well as the stuffed animals and taking her out to dinner. So just how do you surprise her with something fresh and exciting? Well the answer to that question is simple; you just need to be a bit creative and resourceful.

Why not give your wife a gift that will last throughout the year. There are many gifts to choose from that she can enjoy throughout the year. There are unique gifts as the wine of the month gift where she will get a different bottle of fine wine each month for an entire year. Many chocolatiers will deliver a monthly tasting selection as part of a chocolate taster’s club, where an unusual or new variety of exclusive chocolate will be delivered in a special gift wrap once a month.

You can really go all out and get her a coupon book or make one yourself. These make the best gifts as you can either get them preprinted from such places like Hallmark or you can sit down and make the entire coupon book yourself. This is a gift that she will enjoy over and over again and again. She will love the gift as it lets her know that you will take the time to do something just for her when she want or needs it.

The pre printed ones come with a variety of coupons. Each coupon will say something like “good for a 30 minute back rub” or “good for one bubble bath, complete with back scrub”. Be sure that you read through the entire coupon book if you buy it already printed so you know what you will be getting yourself into.

If you choose to make the coupon book yourself then you can tailor it to what she likes and for things that she needs. You can make coupons good for a free night of babysitting so she can have a girls night out or you can add something in there for a full night out, kid free, where you have a sitter for the entire night so you can go away for the night.

You can even include the kids in on the coupons. You can have them make coupons for 1 day of no cooking or 1 day with no chores. Let the kids be creative. This is something she will love to cash in on as women love to take a break from the family once in awhile.

No matter what you choose to do, try to make the gist something that will last her throughout the year. This will make her Valentines Day better then the others. It will add a bit of spice into each day for her and you as well. Personal, lasting Valentine’s Day gifts like this are the key to long term happiness in an established relationship.

About the Author: Tom Kranz writes articles on Valentines Day, Valentines Day gift ideas, and Valentines Gift ideas. His articles regularly appear on http://www.valentines-giftideas.com
Article Source: ActiveAuthors.com

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Empower Your Broken New Year’s Resolution Any Time of Year: by Wendy N

Found this great article on new year resolutions. Though not related to relationships, makes for a great read, so added it to my blog. Here goes:

You had good intentions. But that resolution is broken, or on its way. Just like last year. This year you’ll learn what to do about it. Next year you’re a pro. Frankly, there are problems with traditional New Year’s resolutions:

1. Why we make them: a yearly tradition. It a rare person who makes them only when aiming for something compelling. Making a New Year’s resolution is a tradition our country shares, not always meaningful to the individual. We create them haphazardly.

2. How we declare them: on New Year’s Eve or Day. We invest little thought or effort. We do it after imbibing champagne. Yet that little scribble is supposed to guide our year, inspire our lives? Who are we kidding?

3. Lack of follow through. We have no plan. We think that by making a statement and jotting it down, we’ve done the work.

4. Failure is expected. Perhaps required. We failed last year. The year before. Our friends failed. Our officemates. There’s a lot of joking about failed resolutions. It gets attention. Creates camaraderie. If you talk about success, however, you may become an outcast. Ouch!

5. Resolutions are forgotten. Do you write yours down? If yes, where is it? If in your keepsake box, or at the bottom of the laundry bag, how often do you look at it? Remind yourself? Make adjustments? Is NEVER often enough for you? So should we just stop making New Year’s resolutions? Not so fast.

Here are five ways to succeed with resolutions, if you dare:

1. Make them meaningful, whether tied to the beginning of the year or not. Do better by distancing them from the tradition of New Year’s resolutions you don’t intend to keep. Try Feb 1 as resolution day. Add meaning and stick to it ivity to your resolutions, by committing to very few; Make those simple and meaningful.

2. Enrich them with detail, but not too much: rite down the answers to these questions about the desired outcome of your resolution: What is it specifically that I want? (Usually an outcome or result: I will lose 15 lbs. this year.) Is it achievable—by a human being—and particularly, by me? How will I know I have achieved it? Be specific: what will I see, hear, feel that will provide evidence? Is this outcome within my personal control? (If other people and forces are involved significantly, it is not completely within your control. But if you can do your part and then work to enroll others in the mission, it may be quite do able.) What will it cost me: in time, resources, money, relationships? Is the outcome worth the costs? Do I have the necessary resources? Can I acquire them? To learn more about these powerful questions, search for info on the “well formed outcome” in articles about neuro linguistics.

3. Make goals manageable: Break them down into bite sized pieces, and grow them as you go. A client initially resolved to lose weight, start a degree program and find a new job all at once as part of her whole soul makeover. But with coaching (and coaxing!) she agreed to explore first what she wanted her new career to be, and take only the first required course. By the end of the semester, she had learned enough about the field to be goal specific, and began losing weight when new confidence made nervous eating unnecessary. The job then came from the recommendation of one of her teachers.

4. Flexibility trumps failure: Concreteness is helpful, but inflexibility is rarely helpful. Failure isn’t permanent or insurmountable. If you see the project as an experiment, whatever doesn’t go as expected is not failure but additional information. Become a good student and find the adjustments that are needed, then make them.

5. Be open to other insights and perspectives. Actively seek assistance and coaching from friends, and opportunities to be accountable—but not commiseration. Remember to reward yourself for even the smallest successes. ©2009 by Wendy Lapidus Saltz. All rights reserved.

About the Author: Wendy Lapidus-Saltz helps people break habits they don’t need, create possibilities they want, and remake themselves and their lives. To the question “It’s 2009, isn’t it time life got better?” she answers a resounding “Yup!” And she’s helping it happen. Find out more at http://www.hypno-attraction.com/ and http://www.nonsmoker4life.com/ . Article Source: ActiveAuthors.com

Top 40 'Things Said On Christmas Day' every year : by Martyn Brown

Top 20 Statements, Comments & Questions At Christmas time

1 This single cream seems to be thicker than the double cream
2 Who's gonna pull this cracker with me?
3 Put your Christmas party hat on, you miserable git.
4 Where did you buy your crackers?, they're really good.
5 Do you want stuffing, Grandma?
6 Calm down you kids, you're all over excited!
7 That was you, you filthy pig!
8 What's your joke, Brian, what did you get in your cracker?
9 It's a shame to throw the paper away, isn't it?
10 The Queen's on in a minute, Mum!
11 I would give it a few minutes before you go in there - phew!
12 You won't eat all that, put a small amount on…you can always come back for more.
13 Chocolate anyone?
14 Does your mum still take sugar?
15 The turkey's lovely, isn't it?
16 Can someone pass the sprouts?
17 Don't you like Christmas pudding? - how strange.
18 You don't like mince pies? - how strange.
19 Who's gonna eat the sixpence from the Christmas pud? - ha ha ha
20 Where did we go last year, love?.

20 Comments, Statements & Questions At Christmas time -
From Children

1 Daddy, can you build this for me.
2 Mummy, can YOU build this for me.
3 Daddy, have you got a screwdriver
4 Daddy, have you got any of this size battery
5 Mummy, Jenny's just done a poo and she didn't wash her hands.
6 Mummy, I want some more
7 Daddy, Jenny's just hit me
8 I DID hit her back, look, she's on the floor.
9 This is the best Christmas I've ever had
10 Can I open another present?
11 What time is Aunty Wilma coming up?
12 Have I got any more presents to open?
13 I didn't WANT clothes
14 Mummy, I've just kicked your drink over - again.
15 I spy with my little eye - um - I don't want to play anymore.
16 Can I have another drink?
17 Mummy, Jenny's just tipped a bowl of custard over the cat.
18 Mummy, Daddy's just swear'd.
19 Daddy, this just broke off
20 Mummy - I feel sick!

About The Author

©2006 Martyn Brown: Writes for many home business newsletters and magazines. To download your free copy of his current 'work from home' magazine, Visit: http://www.WorkingHoursMagazine.co.uk

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